Now I really want to be a photographer!

September 30, 2008 at 1:58 pm (Children, Family, God, Life) (, , , , , , , , )

I have been talking with my hubby about a new camera.  Not just one of the ones off the shelf in Wally-world, but a really nice more professional type.  I’ve also been talking about taking photography classes.  I just told my Mom yesterday of my plans.  I really had no clue as to when I would start all these plans.  Well, I was going to order the camera this weekend.  Hubby has given me the green light and I’m so excited.  Then I see this…

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep on msnbc.com

Hmmmm, I think God may be telling me something.  I’ll listen more closely to Him and we shall see.

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I just want to grieve.

September 28, 2008 at 11:46 pm (Children, Family, God, Life) (, , , )

I feel torn.  Tomorrow will be Franklin’s birthday and it is really hitting me hard this year.  You always hear time heals.  Right now I feel like time doesn’t heal. It has just produced a spigot and which way it turns is up to me.  Well, sorta.  Most of the time it is turned off, and maybe only a trickle leaks out.  Sometimes I just want to turn it wide open, and FINALLY just let the tears flow with uncontrollable sobs.  I need to just feel my heart clenching and my gut wrenching and crawl up in a ball somewhere.  I know this will end with me questioning God, why did you take my little boy from me?  I know that understanding will come later, but that doesn’t stop my heart and head from asking.  I just haven’t been able to grieve enough.  I feel cheated in that area.  The way my life is going, I just don’t have the time or a place to grieve.  As soon as tears start to fall, I have to dry them fast and take care of something that’s come up.  I can hide out in the shower for a few minutes, but I have to be quiet and soon someone seeks me out.  I go and visit his grave and I can’t cry there.  Not much anyway.  The kids don’t like to see Mommy cry.  Most of the time I’m ok.  Really.  But there are sometimes…….I just want to grieve.

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Four years ago today

September 26, 2008 at 7:06 am (Children, Family, God, Life) (, , , , , , )

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon.  Tommy, Rachael, Levi and I had spent the entire weekend “camping out” in our house that we were building.  It was easier to stay there and work than to commute back and forth from where we lived at the time.

I was already getting big and clumsy in my 21st week with my sixth pregnancy.  Rachael and I had decided to take another break and swing in my new yard swing that I had gotten for Mother’s Day.  It wasn’t really a yard swing yet, because I had it in the garage where it wouldn’t be exposed to the elements outside.  The baby had been active all day and I was just enjoying the feel of him.  All of a sudden, he kicked so hard that my stomach lurched.  Rachael laughed and started rubbing my tummy.  It was the first time that he had kicked hard enough so that someone else could enjoy it.  I was excited and couldn’t wait to let Tommy feel it later that day.  We both sat there in total amazement at how active this baby was all of a sudden.  I felt so totally happy and blessed.

Later that evening, we headed back home and proceeded to get ready for the week to come.  We were all so tired that we had no problems getting in bed and falling asleep fast.  Even Levi, who was 19 months old and co-slept with us, just went right to sleep.

Little did I know, that would be the last time I can remember my little boy move.  Little did I understand that I now believe he was telling us good-bye.  Little did I understand the pain, anger, confusion, guilt, grief and heartache that was to come.  Little did I understand that my faith was to be tested in the most awful experience that I had ever lived through in my entire life.  Little did I understand that we took so much in life for granted.  Little did I understand that it would be a year before I could bring myself to sit in that swing again.

Tiniest Angel

I never got to know you before you went away,

because God took you home to heaven where we’ll meet another day.

God says you’re his tiniest angel and you needed to come home.

For reasons that we do not know, you went where angels roam.

Please know how much I miss you and though I may not understand,

I will trust a God who’s faithful and live the life that He has planned.

He says that you’ll be whole now so there’s no need for me to cry.

And then He reminds me of His own son, who on the cross for me had died.

I know one day I’ll meet you, but for now I’ll just stand still

and not question our Father’s reason because I know that it’s His will.

If I look when night is darkest at the stars that twinkle bright,

I will see God’s tiniest angel and the wings reflecting light.

by Sue Lueck Carlson

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My Memory of You

September 6, 2008 at 12:17 am (Children, Family, God, Life) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

My Memory of You

Your handsome face,
that’s what I see.
Your perfect little body,
so beautiful to me.

I remember holding you close,
all wrapped in your blanket.
I didn’t want to put you down,
I couldn’t even think it.

You seemed so very fragile,
my tiny little man.
I was so afraid to kiss you
or hold your precious hand.

Lovingly I unwrapped you,
I counted your fingers and toes.
Just like I said before,
perfect….down to your nose.

So I lovingly covered you,
all snuggled and warm.
I hugged you to my heart
to keep you from harm.

But it was way too late
for all my loving care.
God had you in heaven
and all I had were tears.

I remember all the love I felt.
I remember just holding you there.
I remember feeling so numb
and thinking that life was so unfair.

Your handsome face
that’s what I see.
Your perfect little body
so beautiful to me.

written by Terri Stanifer
in memory of Franklin Thomas Stanifer

Psalm 139:13-16:

13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.  14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.  15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.  16Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them

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