I just want to grieve.

September 28, 2008 at 11:46 pm (Children, Family, God, Life) (, , , )

I feel torn.  Tomorrow will be Franklin’s birthday and it is really hitting me hard this year.  You always hear time heals.  Right now I feel like time doesn’t heal. It has just produced a spigot and which way it turns is up to me.  Well, sorta.  Most of the time it is turned off, and maybe only a trickle leaks out.  Sometimes I just want to turn it wide open, and FINALLY just let the tears flow with uncontrollable sobs.  I need to just feel my heart clenching and my gut wrenching and crawl up in a ball somewhere.  I know this will end with me questioning God, why did you take my little boy from me?  I know that understanding will come later, but that doesn’t stop my heart and head from asking.  I just haven’t been able to grieve enough.  I feel cheated in that area.  The way my life is going, I just don’t have the time or a place to grieve.  As soon as tears start to fall, I have to dry them fast and take care of something that’s come up.  I can hide out in the shower for a few minutes, but I have to be quiet and soon someone seeks me out.  I go and visit his grave and I can’t cry there.  Not much anyway.  The kids don’t like to see Mommy cry.  Most of the time I’m ok.  Really.  But there are sometimes…….I just want to grieve.

1 Comment

  1. marybethbern said,

    Oh, love, I’m so sorry. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it all better.

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