Made it Through

September 30, 2010 at 12:35 am (Children, Family, God, Life, pregnancy loss) (, , , , , )

Six years have passed. I still miss my little boy who made me sicker than any of my other children. I still miss how hard you would kick, and sooner than all of your siblings did.  I miss daydreaming about you and your big brother playing together.  I think about how your big sis got to meet you in the swing that day. I remember the laughs as you kicked her hand. I loved your sweet face with your cute little nose. I still feel you in my arms. My arms holding you close, not ever wanting to let you go. My sweet little boy….I love you and miss you so.  I used to miss you so much, that I would have done just about anything to get you back. But not now. I know now, that you are the lucky one. You are in a place that I can’t wait to go. No worries or strife.  No pain or suffering. Peace forevermore.  I am so thankful you are there. I am so thankful that you taught me to be more compassionate and kind.  Losing you helped me to enjoy what I do have even more.  I am forever grateful that God picked me to be your mommy. 

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June 10

June 3, 2010 at 10:48 am (Children, Family, God, pregnancy loss) (, , )

June 10 is yet another unpleasant date that seems to never leave my mind. It’s hard to believe that these last 9 months have passed so quickly. Would the pregnancy have seemed to go by as fast? Pregnancies always seem to drag on and on until you look back after the fact. I wish I was feeling big as a cow and waddling around like a duck. What I would give to be nesting and preparing right now. I know I am blessed. I know it! But that doesn’t fill this hole in my heart.

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A few simple words

March 9, 2010 at 6:53 pm (God, Life, pregnancy loss) (, , , , )

“Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.”  1 Thessalonians 5:11

“You are a blessing.”  Those simple words amazed me a few years ago when my doctor said them to me.  After losing Franklin, I was going through intense grief and confusion.  I didn’t see anything positive in what had happened.  Until those simple, yet powerful words.  He never would tell me how I had blessed him, but just knowing that something positive could come out of something so horrific caused me to look at things differently.  I made the decision then to try and be a blessing to others who would go through tragedies such as mine.  It was my stepping stone to healing and hope.

If you have someone in your life who has blessed you in any way, please don’t hesitate to tell them.  It might just change their lives!

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It’s been a while…..

March 8, 2010 at 11:13 pm (Family, God, Life, pregnancy loss) (, , , , , , , , )

I’m going to start back slowly.  I think I have family who would love to read and keep up with what is going on in our lives.  After the last entry, I haven’t really had anything to say.  I suppose I should update all the “strangers” who might happen to read.  We lost the baby.  One month after I found out I was pregnant I had a miscarriage.  It has been hard, but I know that I will see our little one in heaven one day.  Dates and milestones are not far from my thoughts……..I would be 6 months now.  I am wishing for more, always wishing.

On a more positive note,  I saw these guys in concert last night.  Lord, give me a revelation!

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A Total God Thing

January 29, 2009 at 3:57 pm (Children, Family, God, Life) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you just knew God was giving you a sign or a message?  When you realized what it meant, did a feeling of peace just come over you?  For me, this has happened, but on rare occasion.  This is a story of my favorite “touch” from above.

It was the morning of September 27, 2004.  I woke up like normal, groggy but desperately trying to focus , because I had 10 minutes to get my teenage daughter to school or she would be late.  I was 21 weeks pregnant and really tired and I just didn’t feel quite right.  Something in the back of my mind was bugging me and trying to come forward, but I couldn’t figure it out.  I didn’t take the time to figure it out.  I dressed quickly, changed my 19 month old son’s diaper and ran out the door.  I drove my daughter to school, dropped her off and decided to do some grocery shopping.

There were only two grocery stores in my town at the time, so I opted to go to Kroger.   As I’m putting my son into the grocery cart, that “thought” that had kept nagging me finally came to the surface.  When was the last time I had felt my baby move?  I couldn’t remember any kicks that morning.  Of course, I had been in a hurry and not really thinking about it, so maybe I had just missed it.  I couldn’t remember any movements the night before, but again, I was so tired from working on our new house, that I told myself it was possible I had just not paid any attention and missed the movements.  All I could remember, was about noon the day before, sitting in a swing with my oldest daughter, the baby kicked so hard that you could see my stomach lurch.  I stopped still in the middle of the fruit section, trying to feel my little one move.  I started to sweat and nauseating heat started building in the middle of my gut.  I decided that the baby must be sleeping, especially since I was moving around and walking so much.  I hurriedly went through the isles in the store, grabbing items haphazardly, not really giving much thought to what I grabbed.  I would stop occasionally, thinking I had felt a tiny flutter.  My chest started getting tighter and my throat felt like it was closing off.  By the time I was going down the last isle, I felt like I was going to throw up or cry or scream.  I felt panicky and I tried to tell myself not to worry so much.

As soon as I got home, I called my husband at work.  When I heard his voice, I started sobbing ” I can’t remember, I just can’t remember except on the swing yesterday”.  He tried to calm me down and to figure out what I was talking about.  I couldn’t stop crying, but I finally made him understand.  He told me to lay still, on the couch or bed and call the doctor.  I told him I would as soon as I put the groceries away.  I was still telling myself that it was all because I hadn’t slowed down, I was moving so much that the baby was just sleeping through it all.

While I was putting away the groceries, I called and talked to the phone nurse.  She told me to drink some juice and get on my hands and knees.  She said the baby was probably just sleeping and that I should feel something within 30 minutes.  I did what she said, searching for some tiny little sign that everything was ok.  I swear, I thought I felt some little flutters.  I just wasn’t sure.  Still, there was no major movement so I called the nurse back.  She told me to come in to the office as soon as possible.

I called my husband back to let him know that I was headed to the doctor’s office.  He said he would meet me there.  I was about 55 minutes away, he was more like 1.5 hours.  I didn’t have anyone to watch my son, so I took him with me.

When I arrived at the office, they took me straight back and a nurse started looking for a heartbeat.  When she couldn’t find one, she still tried to reassure me, but in my heart I knew.  They sent me to have an ultrasound.  While my son sat on my chest I just cried.  The nurse had the monitor turned away from me, she was watching it intently.  About that time, there was a knock on the door and my husband came in.  The nurse excused herself and said she would be right back.  I just looked at my husband and sobbed.  I told him that they hadn’t said anything, but I just knew that our baby was gone.  After a minute or two, the nurse came back in, followed by my doctor.  He watched as the nurse showed him some pictures on the screen, then he turned and grabbed my hand and said “I’m so sorry.  I’m so very sorry.”

It was like my world just stopped.  How do you explain that?  Nothing else existed but that feeling of utter despair.  Then, there was a feeling of disbelief.  Denial.  Then the questions started pouring out of me.  How?  Why?  What happened?  What had I done wrong?  My doctor tried to tell me that it was nothing I had done.  He said everything on the ultrasound looked normal.  There was nothing he could see to explain this.    He said they would run tests, and that after the baby was born, then there was a chance that they could see something physically wrong.  He explained I had two options.  I could wait and let nature take it’s course and let the baby come when my body was ready, or they could put me in the hospital and induce me.  I was sort of shocked and I remember asking “So I’m going to have to go through labor to have this baby?”  I don’t know what I was thinking except that I had 2 previous c-sections, so I just assumed that was how this baby would be born.  He tried to explain it all, but really, I can’t remember much of what he said after that.  I remember he left to make the “arrangements” with the hospital for me to go in the next morning to be induced.  While he was gone, a nurse stuck her head in the door, I think it was the phone nurse I had spoken to on the phone earlier, and she handed me a little book and told me she was sorry.  After my husband had all the details about where to go, we headed home.

I called my Mom on my cell phone and told her that our baby had died.  I cried and told her that I needed her.  She lives 450 miles away.  She told me she would leave as soon as she was packed.  She got here around 3am the next morning and I met her at the door.  I had taken a sleeping pill the doctor gave me, but I was still awake.

Two days later, on the 29th of September, I gave birth to a little boy.  There is much that happened before that and after, but I can’t write about it right now.  Maybe I will at a later date.

Months later, I still couldn’t go back to that Kroger.  I would have a panic attack if I even thought about it.  One day, I decided enough was enough, and I asked my husband if he would go to the store with me.  With sweaty palms and a tight chest, I forced myself to drive to the store.  During this time, there was literally a storm brewing.  It was one of those quick southern thunderstorms that you can just feel in the air.  The clouds were gathering at about the same rate that my heart was pounding.

It wasn’t easy and I was praying silently the whole time for God to help me get through this.  Finally, I walked into the store.  I started feeling so panicky, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to make it.  I had to leave!!  My husband talked with me quietly and held my hand.  He talked me into trying to get a few things and then leaving.  The storm outside had broken loose and the walls of the store felt like they were shaking from the thunder.  I felt like I had a storm inside of me also.  All I could remember was the worry and fear that I felt that morning a few months ago.  I remember trying to breathe and  I prayed for God to make all of it go away.  I just wanted to get out, to go home, to pull the covers over my head and make it all go away.

We finally finished shopping and we paid for our items.  I remember my chest hurting and I wanted to run outside.  I felt like I was losing my mind.   I finally got out of the doors and I couldn’t go any farther.  I stopped dead in my tracks and I felt and saw the most spectacular thing.  Not more than 200 yards in front of me, was one end of a double rainbow.  I mean, it started (or ended) right there!  It arched way up into the sky and the other end came down within sight, just down the road.  I was totally amazed.  I remember a feeling of peace come over me.  Nothing but peace and hope and love.  Then tears of relief began to pour and I turned to my husband and said “This is a sign from God.  A promise that everything is going to be ok.”

From then on,  I felt like I was going to heal.  I felt like life did have a purpose and I understood that we are not going to understand all of God’s plans for us.  I realized that He is in charge and taking care of us.  Now don’t get me wrong.  The longing for my child is still inside of me.  It will always be with me, until we meet again, just like God promised.

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Serving more.

January 19, 2009 at 11:41 am (Children, God, Life, photography) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

1 John 3:17-18:

17But whoso hath this world’s good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?

18My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.

ruggedtrees

I feel like I need to do more around here.  Not “here”, in my house, although I have been severely slacking in that area also, but that’s another post.  I miss helping out my friends, family & community more.  I need to be an example to my children, so that they see the joy and blessings that come from helping and serving others.

So, I’m going to make a list here every week or two, and try and accomplish all of it.

Here’s my list:

  1. I’m going to a make dinner for a friend and her family from church.  She has had a lot of medical problems that are still ongoing.
  2. I’m going to make dinner for two friends that just had babies this week.
  3. I’m going to crochet some baby clothes.
  • Burial clothes for the little ones that don’t make it.  Here’s another one. And one more.
  • Some outfits for the Mom’s and babes who live here.
  • Preemie clothes for the NICU babies here. I usually deliver once or twice a year.  I’m late!!!  Maybe I can get lots made in time to drop off on our way to GA in March.

I’ll update and post pics of what I accomplish later.

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Will You Promise?

January 12, 2009 at 6:57 pm (Children, Family, God, Life, photography) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Will You Promise?

I feel so empty
without him here,
so all alone
with all my fears.



How will I survive
without my dreams fulfilled?
To see him running and playing
like his brother, who can’t be still.



How do I get through this?
All this emotional stress and strain?
How do I smile and laugh
when everything is tear stained?



I am just so hesitant and scared
to try and dream again,
to keep up the hope,
to leave it in God’s hands.



I need some sort of assurance.
Please Lord, send me some sign,
that if I’m ever blessed again
You will let this baby remain mine.



I still don’t know the answers,
I just don’t understand,
but I just can’t give up the dream
of holding another tiny hand.



Terri Stanifer

December 23, 2004

I found this poem today, that I had written a few months after Franklin died.  At the time, all I wanted was to know why this had happened.  I questioned God a lot.  I didn’t really allow myself to get angry with him though.  I was so scared that I would lose more of the blessings that He had given me.  Even though I was terrified, I never lost the yearning for another baby.  I never lost the hope.  I feel now that was God’s way of telling me to try again.  He allowed that hope to remain and He fulfilled it with a wonderful & healthy daughter.

My hope fulfilled

My hope fulfilled



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October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October 1, 2008 at 5:59 pm (Children, Family, Life) (, , , , , )

Since 1988, October has been recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Few know this.  In fact, I did not know this until 2004.

Did you know there are 26,000 stillbirths each year in the United States?  One in every 115 deliveries end in stillbirth.

Please take time to check out some of these websites and let’s increase awareness of these tragic deaths.  Maybe with more awareness, we can get closer to finding a solution.

www.stillnomore.org

www.october15th.com

www.rowantreefoundation.org

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I just want to grieve.

September 28, 2008 at 11:46 pm (Children, Family, God, Life) (, , , )

I feel torn.  Tomorrow will be Franklin’s birthday and it is really hitting me hard this year.  You always hear time heals.  Right now I feel like time doesn’t heal. It has just produced a spigot and which way it turns is up to me.  Well, sorta.  Most of the time it is turned off, and maybe only a trickle leaks out.  Sometimes I just want to turn it wide open, and FINALLY just let the tears flow with uncontrollable sobs.  I need to just feel my heart clenching and my gut wrenching and crawl up in a ball somewhere.  I know this will end with me questioning God, why did you take my little boy from me?  I know that understanding will come later, but that doesn’t stop my heart and head from asking.  I just haven’t been able to grieve enough.  I feel cheated in that area.  The way my life is going, I just don’t have the time or a place to grieve.  As soon as tears start to fall, I have to dry them fast and take care of something that’s come up.  I can hide out in the shower for a few minutes, but I have to be quiet and soon someone seeks me out.  I go and visit his grave and I can’t cry there.  Not much anyway.  The kids don’t like to see Mommy cry.  Most of the time I’m ok.  Really.  But there are sometimes…….I just want to grieve.

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Four years ago today

September 26, 2008 at 7:06 am (Children, Family, God, Life) (, , , , , , )

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon.  Tommy, Rachael, Levi and I had spent the entire weekend “camping out” in our house that we were building.  It was easier to stay there and work than to commute back and forth from where we lived at the time.

I was already getting big and clumsy in my 21st week with my sixth pregnancy.  Rachael and I had decided to take another break and swing in my new yard swing that I had gotten for Mother’s Day.  It wasn’t really a yard swing yet, because I had it in the garage where it wouldn’t be exposed to the elements outside.  The baby had been active all day and I was just enjoying the feel of him.  All of a sudden, he kicked so hard that my stomach lurched.  Rachael laughed and started rubbing my tummy.  It was the first time that he had kicked hard enough so that someone else could enjoy it.  I was excited and couldn’t wait to let Tommy feel it later that day.  We both sat there in total amazement at how active this baby was all of a sudden.  I felt so totally happy and blessed.

Later that evening, we headed back home and proceeded to get ready for the week to come.  We were all so tired that we had no problems getting in bed and falling asleep fast.  Even Levi, who was 19 months old and co-slept with us, just went right to sleep.

Little did I know, that would be the last time I can remember my little boy move.  Little did I understand that I now believe he was telling us good-bye.  Little did I understand the pain, anger, confusion, guilt, grief and heartache that was to come.  Little did I understand that my faith was to be tested in the most awful experience that I had ever lived through in my entire life.  Little did I understand that we took so much in life for granted.  Little did I understand that it would be a year before I could bring myself to sit in that swing again.

Tiniest Angel

I never got to know you before you went away,

because God took you home to heaven where we’ll meet another day.

God says you’re his tiniest angel and you needed to come home.

For reasons that we do not know, you went where angels roam.

Please know how much I miss you and though I may not understand,

I will trust a God who’s faithful and live the life that He has planned.

He says that you’ll be whole now so there’s no need for me to cry.

And then He reminds me of His own son, who on the cross for me had died.

I know one day I’ll meet you, but for now I’ll just stand still

and not question our Father’s reason because I know that it’s His will.

If I look when night is darkest at the stars that twinkle bright,

I will see God’s tiniest angel and the wings reflecting light.

by Sue Lueck Carlson

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