Four years ago today

September 26, 2008 at 7:06 am (Children, Family, God, Life) (, , , , , , )

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon.  Tommy, Rachael, Levi and I had spent the entire weekend “camping out” in our house that we were building.  It was easier to stay there and work than to commute back and forth from where we lived at the time.

I was already getting big and clumsy in my 21st week with my sixth pregnancy.  Rachael and I had decided to take another break and swing in my new yard swing that I had gotten for Mother’s Day.  It wasn’t really a yard swing yet, because I had it in the garage where it wouldn’t be exposed to the elements outside.  The baby had been active all day and I was just enjoying the feel of him.  All of a sudden, he kicked so hard that my stomach lurched.  Rachael laughed and started rubbing my tummy.  It was the first time that he had kicked hard enough so that someone else could enjoy it.  I was excited and couldn’t wait to let Tommy feel it later that day.  We both sat there in total amazement at how active this baby was all of a sudden.  I felt so totally happy and blessed.

Later that evening, we headed back home and proceeded to get ready for the week to come.  We were all so tired that we had no problems getting in bed and falling asleep fast.  Even Levi, who was 19 months old and co-slept with us, just went right to sleep.

Little did I know, that would be the last time I can remember my little boy move.  Little did I understand that I now believe he was telling us good-bye.  Little did I understand the pain, anger, confusion, guilt, grief and heartache that was to come.  Little did I understand that my faith was to be tested in the most awful experience that I had ever lived through in my entire life.  Little did I understand that we took so much in life for granted.  Little did I understand that it would be a year before I could bring myself to sit in that swing again.

Tiniest Angel

I never got to know you before you went away,

because God took you home to heaven where we’ll meet another day.

God says you’re his tiniest angel and you needed to come home.

For reasons that we do not know, you went where angels roam.

Please know how much I miss you and though I may not understand,

I will trust a God who’s faithful and live the life that He has planned.

He says that you’ll be whole now so there’s no need for me to cry.

And then He reminds me of His own son, who on the cross for me had died.

I know one day I’ll meet you, but for now I’ll just stand still

and not question our Father’s reason because I know that it’s His will.

If I look when night is darkest at the stars that twinkle bright,

I will see God’s tiniest angel and the wings reflecting light.

by Sue Lueck Carlson

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