Nostalgic, maybe?

September 1, 2009 at 10:36 pm (Children, Family, Life, photography) (, , , , , , )

My oldest daughter is joining the Army.  I don’t know what it is, this feeling I have.  Maybe it’s just too complex to put a name on it.  I am excited for her.  The possibilities for her life are endless.  I am anxious for her.  Culture shock is an understatement.  For the next few weeks she is about to lose her identity.  Yet, before it’s over she will have grown and found out who she really is.  I am so proud of her, of what she is trying to accomplish.  She is about to honor and defend that which we hold dear.  I am a little scared for her, physically speaking, I mean,  she’s only 4’11” and not much over 100 lbs.  She is a tough little cookie though.

So, what is this feeling?  Why am I crying?  Are they happy tears?  Sad tears?  It’s not like she just left the nest…she’s been gone for 4 years now.  It’s something else, this feeling, it’s deeper.  Maybe it’s the knowledge I have of what she is going to experience.  The memories that come back, of lying in a bed the night before going to boot camp, wide awake, questioning everything.  The memories of going through induction at MEPS the next day, being poked, prodded and fed noxious food.  Waiting and waiting at the airport for my flight along with all the other recruits who had signed their lives away.  My first flight ever!  Getting on the bus that took us to the base.  My first encounter with a drill instructor that boarded the bus yelling in my face.  The shuffle through uniforms, haircuts, paperwork and more.  The initial shock, mentally and physically, of the first few weeks that gradually turned into camaraderie and teamwork.   The determination I felt to succeed and the drive to be the best.  The pride when I accomplished it all.

I want my daughter to experience all that I did and more.  My short stint in the service exposed me to more than most people see in a lifetime.  I learned some very cool things.  I traveled to far away places.  I met so many wonderful people.    And then, I had a little girl……who is now leaving for the Army.

Rachy, I am so proud of you.  You are a beautiful woman, inside and out.  I know that the next few weeks are going to be crazy.  You are strong!  You are tough!  You will be ok, no matter what!  You just keep plugging and know that I am here praying for you.  I am thinking about you every day!  I am here for you always!!  I love you!!  See you at graduation!!!

Mommy

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Quick prayer request! (UPDATED!!)

April 23, 2009 at 11:35 am (Children, Family, God, Life) (, , , , , , , , )

Could you please pray for my daughter, Leslie. Her OB just called her today and told her that she is going to have to find a new doctor & hospital to deliver her baby due to insurance problems. She is due May 7th. Her car just blew a head gasket yesterday and she now has no way to get around. Also, her boyfriend’s job just cut back on his hours. Just lots of things hitting her at once and she is very stressed.

Updated 4/24/2009 @ 7am Central:

Do you want to know how GREAT our God is??????

Leslie’s water broke this morning!!  She’s in the hospital now, with very light contractions.  I’m waiting for some clothes to dry and then Erin & I are on the way to GA.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers!!!!  Keep them coming for a happy & healthy baby & a safe delivery!

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A Total God Thing

January 29, 2009 at 3:57 pm (Children, Family, God, Life) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you just knew God was giving you a sign or a message?  When you realized what it meant, did a feeling of peace just come over you?  For me, this has happened, but on rare occasion.  This is a story of my favorite “touch” from above.

It was the morning of September 27, 2004.  I woke up like normal, groggy but desperately trying to focus , because I had 10 minutes to get my teenage daughter to school or she would be late.  I was 21 weeks pregnant and really tired and I just didn’t feel quite right.  Something in the back of my mind was bugging me and trying to come forward, but I couldn’t figure it out.  I didn’t take the time to figure it out.  I dressed quickly, changed my 19 month old son’s diaper and ran out the door.  I drove my daughter to school, dropped her off and decided to do some grocery shopping.

There were only two grocery stores in my town at the time, so I opted to go to Kroger.   As I’m putting my son into the grocery cart, that “thought” that had kept nagging me finally came to the surface.  When was the last time I had felt my baby move?  I couldn’t remember any kicks that morning.  Of course, I had been in a hurry and not really thinking about it, so maybe I had just missed it.  I couldn’t remember any movements the night before, but again, I was so tired from working on our new house, that I told myself it was possible I had just not paid any attention and missed the movements.  All I could remember, was about noon the day before, sitting in a swing with my oldest daughter, the baby kicked so hard that you could see my stomach lurch.  I stopped still in the middle of the fruit section, trying to feel my little one move.  I started to sweat and nauseating heat started building in the middle of my gut.  I decided that the baby must be sleeping, especially since I was moving around and walking so much.  I hurriedly went through the isles in the store, grabbing items haphazardly, not really giving much thought to what I grabbed.  I would stop occasionally, thinking I had felt a tiny flutter.  My chest started getting tighter and my throat felt like it was closing off.  By the time I was going down the last isle, I felt like I was going to throw up or cry or scream.  I felt panicky and I tried to tell myself not to worry so much.

As soon as I got home, I called my husband at work.  When I heard his voice, I started sobbing ” I can’t remember, I just can’t remember except on the swing yesterday”.  He tried to calm me down and to figure out what I was talking about.  I couldn’t stop crying, but I finally made him understand.  He told me to lay still, on the couch or bed and call the doctor.  I told him I would as soon as I put the groceries away.  I was still telling myself that it was all because I hadn’t slowed down, I was moving so much that the baby was just sleeping through it all.

While I was putting away the groceries, I called and talked to the phone nurse.  She told me to drink some juice and get on my hands and knees.  She said the baby was probably just sleeping and that I should feel something within 30 minutes.  I did what she said, searching for some tiny little sign that everything was ok.  I swear, I thought I felt some little flutters.  I just wasn’t sure.  Still, there was no major movement so I called the nurse back.  She told me to come in to the office as soon as possible.

I called my husband back to let him know that I was headed to the doctor’s office.  He said he would meet me there.  I was about 55 minutes away, he was more like 1.5 hours.  I didn’t have anyone to watch my son, so I took him with me.

When I arrived at the office, they took me straight back and a nurse started looking for a heartbeat.  When she couldn’t find one, she still tried to reassure me, but in my heart I knew.  They sent me to have an ultrasound.  While my son sat on my chest I just cried.  The nurse had the monitor turned away from me, she was watching it intently.  About that time, there was a knock on the door and my husband came in.  The nurse excused herself and said she would be right back.  I just looked at my husband and sobbed.  I told him that they hadn’t said anything, but I just knew that our baby was gone.  After a minute or two, the nurse came back in, followed by my doctor.  He watched as the nurse showed him some pictures on the screen, then he turned and grabbed my hand and said “I’m so sorry.  I’m so very sorry.”

It was like my world just stopped.  How do you explain that?  Nothing else existed but that feeling of utter despair.  Then, there was a feeling of disbelief.  Denial.  Then the questions started pouring out of me.  How?  Why?  What happened?  What had I done wrong?  My doctor tried to tell me that it was nothing I had done.  He said everything on the ultrasound looked normal.  There was nothing he could see to explain this.    He said they would run tests, and that after the baby was born, then there was a chance that they could see something physically wrong.  He explained I had two options.  I could wait and let nature take it’s course and let the baby come when my body was ready, or they could put me in the hospital and induce me.  I was sort of shocked and I remember asking “So I’m going to have to go through labor to have this baby?”  I don’t know what I was thinking except that I had 2 previous c-sections, so I just assumed that was how this baby would be born.  He tried to explain it all, but really, I can’t remember much of what he said after that.  I remember he left to make the “arrangements” with the hospital for me to go in the next morning to be induced.  While he was gone, a nurse stuck her head in the door, I think it was the phone nurse I had spoken to on the phone earlier, and she handed me a little book and told me she was sorry.  After my husband had all the details about where to go, we headed home.

I called my Mom on my cell phone and told her that our baby had died.  I cried and told her that I needed her.  She lives 450 miles away.  She told me she would leave as soon as she was packed.  She got here around 3am the next morning and I met her at the door.  I had taken a sleeping pill the doctor gave me, but I was still awake.

Two days later, on the 29th of September, I gave birth to a little boy.  There is much that happened before that and after, but I can’t write about it right now.  Maybe I will at a later date.

Months later, I still couldn’t go back to that Kroger.  I would have a panic attack if I even thought about it.  One day, I decided enough was enough, and I asked my husband if he would go to the store with me.  With sweaty palms and a tight chest, I forced myself to drive to the store.  During this time, there was literally a storm brewing.  It was one of those quick southern thunderstorms that you can just feel in the air.  The clouds were gathering at about the same rate that my heart was pounding.

It wasn’t easy and I was praying silently the whole time for God to help me get through this.  Finally, I walked into the store.  I started feeling so panicky, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to make it.  I had to leave!!  My husband talked with me quietly and held my hand.  He talked me into trying to get a few things and then leaving.  The storm outside had broken loose and the walls of the store felt like they were shaking from the thunder.  I felt like I had a storm inside of me also.  All I could remember was the worry and fear that I felt that morning a few months ago.  I remember trying to breathe and  I prayed for God to make all of it go away.  I just wanted to get out, to go home, to pull the covers over my head and make it all go away.

We finally finished shopping and we paid for our items.  I remember my chest hurting and I wanted to run outside.  I felt like I was losing my mind.   I finally got out of the doors and I couldn’t go any farther.  I stopped dead in my tracks and I felt and saw the most spectacular thing.  Not more than 200 yards in front of me, was one end of a double rainbow.  I mean, it started (or ended) right there!  It arched way up into the sky and the other end came down within sight, just down the road.  I was totally amazed.  I remember a feeling of peace come over me.  Nothing but peace and hope and love.  Then tears of relief began to pour and I turned to my husband and said “This is a sign from God.  A promise that everything is going to be ok.”

From then on,  I felt like I was going to heal.  I felt like life did have a purpose and I understood that we are not going to understand all of God’s plans for us.  I realized that He is in charge and taking care of us.  Now don’t get me wrong.  The longing for my child is still inside of me.  It will always be with me, until we meet again, just like God promised.

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How things are working out!

January 9, 2009 at 1:00 pm (ADHD, autism, Children, Family, God, Life, photography) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

I started out this GFCF diet process, by trying to keep a journal of everything Levi eats.  Well, that didn’t work.  I just couldn’t keep up with it all.  I read in one of my books or research sites, that you really shouldn’t have to write everything down.  It stated that after an initial “withdrawal” period, in which behaviors can get worse, you should be able to just tell if your child is following the diet correctly.  You should be able to see such an improvement in him that there is no doubt it is a success.  Anything less than that and you might as well not follow the diet.  It’s just not worth all the work to see only minimal kickback.

Well, I’m happy to announce that I see the diet working!!  I’m not the only one either.  Other people in our lives have made comments about how they can tell a difference in him.

  • My Mom say’s he’s calmer and more in control of his actions than a few months ago.
  • Levi’s teacher says he seems to not be as active or impulsive and when he is, he backs up real quick & apologizes.
  • The staff at Church say that Levi is “back to his sweet self”.
  • I have noticed all these things in addition to he seems to have a huge understanding now of what we’re trying to accomplish with this diet thing.  He has amazed all of us with how he has taken control of his own diet, and will make sure that he knows it’s safe before he eats it.  Not even candy or sweets get by him!  But, the thing that most excites me is that he seems to show more empathy.  (Those of you with autistic children will completely understand why this excites me.)

I have to admit to some added benefits for the rest of the family.

  • I feel healthier and have less stomach problems when I eat foods only on the diet.
  • We are eating out WAY less than before, saving money by doing that, and eating more meals together at the table.
  • We are eating  healthier by keeping a pantry stocked with healthier snacks & foods.
  • I have enjoyed getting back to cooking, which I used to love!

I am praying hard that this positive momentum continues!  I’m sure we’ll have obstacles along the way, but with all the positives I’ve seen so far, it will be WELL worth it!

I want to thank God most of all!  I should have been listening to Him from the beginning and we would have never even tried the drugs!

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I’m at a loss.

December 14, 2008 at 11:34 pm (ADHD, autism, Children, Family, God) (, , , , , )

Levi got kicked out of his class tonight at church.  I’m sitting in the sanctuary, listening to our pastor, and faintly I hear something that just catches my attention.  My instinct has already told me what I was trying to figure out.  I knew something was wrong with Levi.  Then, I hear him louder, crying and screaming.  I took off out the door and down the hall.  When I got to him he was not crying, not screaming, not doing anything but just standing there.  I asked him what was wrong, what happened?  He told me to leave him alone.  I get him over to a couch and I’m trying to pry details out of him.  His teacher comes out into the hall after a few minutes and says that he has had 4 meltdowns and this last one was violent, with him kicking chairs.  She said she removed him from the class because she was afraid he was going to hurt someone.

My first thought was that I had told the teacher that if there was any sign of trouble, to come and get me.  So, 4 meltdowns and an act of violence LATER, I find my son out in the hallway by himself.  But my head is screaming “I TOLD YOU TO COME GET ME!”  It could have been avoided!  Why don’t people listen to me about MY OWN CHILD!?!?!?

My second thought was this would have never happened if it had been a “normal” Sunday night.  Usually Tommy helps in the class so that he can keep an eye on Levi and detour any difficulties.  Tommy is out of town right now, so his absence probably had a twofold affect on Levi’s behavior tonight.

Third thought:  I should not have let Levi have a “free” day from his GFCF diet.  His Sunday School class was having their Christmas party, so I told Levi that he could enjoy a piece of cake and goodies from the party.  How much did this wheat & casein & sugar & preservatives & CRAP affect Levi’s behavior tonight?

How am I supposed to answer that?  Really?  I feel like I have no clue anymore.  I’m frustrated and hurting and scared for my little boy and his future.  I just wish someone could give me the answers.  I’m at a total loss.

Psalm 55:22:
22Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

Lord,

I am casting this upon You.  It’s obvious I can’t do this by myself.  Please Lord, give me the wisdom and the knowledge to teach Levi.  Give me the insight to anything that I can do to raise him like I should.  Please take this burden from me Lord, it’s crushing me and I can’t handle it anymore.  Please give me patience & understanding.  Please take this anger and frustration and fear away from me.  If there’s something that can be healed with Levi, please Lord, heal his body, heal his mind, cradle his spirit and keep it safe.  I praise you Lord, for the peace and understanding and joy that I know will follow.  I love you Lord!

In Jesus’ name I pray,

Amen.

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Just dive on in!

August 8, 2008 at 2:31 pm (Children, Family, God, Life) (, , , , , , , , )

Welcome to the world?  Wow, what a huge pressure to impress.  I don’t need to think like that though.  Let’s do it the right way.

5Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

~~Proverbs 3:5-6

Lord,

I pray that this blog will please you.  I pray that you will direct my paths and give me the words to speak.  I pray that the people who read these words will know You as their personal savior.  Thank you Lord for the blessings that you have given me.  I praise You and You alone!

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen.

I have so much to learn and God is working on me constantly.  I am not a biblical scholar and I don’t like to debate.  I will share with you what I feel and believe.  If you feel the Lord leading you to teach me something, then by all means comment.

Look at some of the blessings that God has bestowed on me.

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